The Blame Game: A Habit from Childhood

When I was a kid, if I stubbed my toe or dropped something, the first thing I’d do was look around for the closest person to blame.

It was almost automatic.

Maybe you can relate—it’s the instinct to believe we’re perfect and any mishap couldn’t possibly be our fault. We’re always the victim.

Recognizing the Victim Mentality

But as I grew older, I noticed that this reaction wasn’t just a childish habit—it was a pattern that lingered in subtle ways. If something went wrong, my mind would still jump to assigning blame outside of myself.

Over the years, I’ve seen how naturally this victim impulse runs in us, how instinctively we protect our self-image and look for reasons outside ourselves for life’s frustrations.

A Lesson in Pirkei Avot: How We Rationalize Our Own Actions

Just the other day, I was learning Pirkei Avot with my son, and we came across a teaching that shone a light on this tendency.

We discussed the way people rationalize their own actions and make excuses for themselves: If I borrow my friend’s basketball without asking, I convince myself, “He wouldn’t mind.” Or even, “He probably wanted me to have it.”

When it comes to ourselves, we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt without a second thought. But if someone else were to take that same ball, we’d likely call it what it is—stealing.

This tendency to judge others harshly while justifying our own behavior is so universal, yet when we’re stuck in that “default setting,” it’s almost invisible to us. We’re naturally defensive about our own actions, rationalizing that whatever we do is justified.

Overcoming Our Default Mindset: Seeing Ourselves and Others Fairly

I shared with my son that overcoming this mindset is a lifelong project. Becoming the kind of person who sees things fairly and truthfully—who doesn’t instinctively blame others and feel above reproach—is the real work.

Recognizing this tendency in myself was one thing; working on it has been another. Little did I know that Hashem was about to put this lesson to the test for me in a very hands-on way.

A Hands-On Test in Patience and Bitachon

Recently, some close friends of ours moved and kindly offered us a few of their bedroom closets.

If you’ve ever dismantled IKEA-style furniture, you know the adventure that comes with it. These closets looked great but were cheaply made with pressed wood, and their panels weren’t exactly meant to be taken apart.

I figured I’d manage on my own. With a busy day already behind me, I wasn’t fully focused and might have underestimated how tricky it would be. I got started, and things began to get messy fast.

Frustration Sets In: The Closet Disassembly Goes Wrong

As I wrestled with the largest closet, things got more complicated. I had unscrewed one side, but a panel was still holding firm. Just as I was prying it loose, the whole shelf gave way, slipped from the bracket, and crashed right onto my head.

Pain shot through my skull, and I had an instant, throbbing bump. I was furious—not just at the shelf, but somehow at the whole situation. It was as if the entire world was conspiring to annoy me.

On top of that, the falling shelf broke one of the bottom panels, setting me back on the whole project.

The Instinct to Blame Others: A Familiar Impulse

And that’s when my phone buzzed with a text from my wife. “Do you need help? Should I bring the hand truck over?”

The timing was almost too much, and that old impulse took over, the urge to blame. “Where was she?” I thought. “Why wasn’t she here already? If she had been helping, none of this would’ve happened!”

Blame was like a reflex, springing up to protect my pride and frustration.

Realizing the Test: Hashem’s Message in a Frustrating Moment

But then, it hit me—this was a test. In the quiet between the throb in my head and the broken pieces around me, I sensed that Hashem was sending me a reminder.

This was a chance to work on my bitachon—my trust in Hashem and the belief that everything happens exactly as it’s supposed to. When we practice bitachon, we remind ourselves that every single thing that happens, big or small, is from Hashem, and not random.

It’s there to teach us something, to help us grow. I thought of Avraham Avinu, our forefather, who faced ten major tests, each one uniquely challenging. Every test was designed by Hashem for his growth, each one suited to elevate him into a model of unwavering faith.

And here was my own little test, tailor-made for me.

The Choice: Be the Victim or Grow Through Bitachon

I took a deep breath, looked at the broken panel, and said to myself, “If this happened, Hashem wanted it to happen.” And not only did He want it to happen, but this is the best thing that could have happened. If it could have been better, it would have.

I thought, Hashem is telling me that this is exactly what I needed—a reminder to slow down, to drop my automatic defenses, to be patient, and to catch myself instead of reacting.

If I could only pause and be mindful, I’d stop my mind from finding blame elsewhere and realize that there’s no victim here—only a person who is still learning to grow.

I said out loud “Thank You Hashem! I needed that”.

Aligning with Hashem’s Will: The Power of Acceptance

By the time my wife arrived, my attitude had completely shifted. I realized that there was no place for blame or frustration at all, and I felt grateful for the clarity to see Hashem’s hand in it.

I was still sore, still tired, but my heart felt lighter. This wasn’t about a bump on my head or broken panel—it was about learning to align myself with Hashem’s will, to feel His presence even when things don’t go my way.

Practicing Bitachon Daily: Embracing Life’s Tests with Faith

In life, Hashem doesn’t expect us to be perfect, but He does expect us to try. Bitachon is a muscle, and each of these moments helps us strengthen it.

The next time things don’t go as planned—whether it’s a coworker being difficult, a traffic jam, or just a frustrating moment—try pausing, taking a deep breath, and saying, “Thank You, Hashem.”

Know that each experience is tailor-made for you to grow, and that every test is designed to help you become the best version of yourself. Hashem is always rooting for us, always offering us a way forward.

Join Me on the Journey to Grow in Bitachon

If you’re on a similar journey to strengthen your bitachon, I’m excited to share that I’ll soon be launching a new course designed to help you grow your trust in Hashem, find clarity in your challenges, and experience more peace in everyday life.

Sign up for the waitlist today to be the first to know when the course is ready. Let’s take this journey together and strengthen our bitachon—one small step, and one test, at a time.

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